26th May 2007

Mirfield CC (5pts) bt Almondbury Weslyans (1 pt) by 5 wickets

Almondbury Wes A 157-8 (T.Binns 50, I.Kenworthy 41; M.Harrison 5-36)
v Mirfield CC 162-5 (P.Neal 32, D.Bolt 58; N.Berry 3-33)

A full strength side arrived at the very well appointed Wesleyans Ground, situated on the fabulously named Kaye Lane, named after the family of Mirfield's All round All Rounder Andy Kaye, for their services to the area.

Kaye was in action early, creating a fabulous atmosphere in the changing room, much appreciated by all his colleagues, and firing them up for the fielding session ahead. John Carrington was showing signs of Post Test Match Attendance Lethargy Disorder, and KP was scouring the dressing room for those nasty ladybirds that so scared him last week. Other than that, all reported well, even the Chemical Brothers, despite Saz's apparent involvement in fisticuffs outside the Swan the previous evening. Rock hard, that lad...

Much had been made of the facilities on offer, and the bowling machine was eyed with much jealousy. Would it do any good? Time would tell. Opening bowlers Zarif and Harrison made their marks and began the assault on a low, slow but true pitch. Binns and Kenworthy, the Wesleyan openers, stood firm. Both played and missed, but Binns looked a talented player, and played the odd firm legside shot. Kenworthy looked like a man on four hours sleep, and played like one too - playing and missing regularly. The drinks interval arrived with the Wes on 66-0 - just about 3 an over, which is an excellent effort by the bowlers - Carrington and Saudagar having replaced the luckless openers. Carrington's lethargy was not helped by his mate Kaye dropping a sitter at first slip off his first ball, but he strove manfully on. Saudagar too bowled well, without any luck. The 100 partnership was posted and then Kenworthy took pity on the toiling team by running himself out for 41.

Binns went to a well deserved 50 - only the second scored against the firsts this season, and as had happened with the other half century maker - he was out for exactly 50 - run out by his partner Heashaw. When I say run out, what I actually mean is marinated for 5 hours, dressed with salad and garnish, side order of fries and onion rings, placed upon a solid silver platter and served up to the hungry Mirfield fielders. The party that had been going on in the "party stand" containing the Bolt, Kirkby and Brook families went up a notch further, as the sausage rolls were broken out in celebration. This exposed the Wesleyan batting, and the re-introduction of "Muffin-Top" Harrison to the attack was just what they didn't want, replacing the other Chemical Brother Spanky Allen at the Party Stand End.

Harrison tore in, enlivened by the promise of a lap dance at Purple Door for a five-fer. He had Chef Heashaw well caught by David Bolt (the sausage rolls were replaced by mini party eggs in the party stand) and clean bowled Stanger and Saghir. By now he could smell the perfume of Yvonne at Purple Door, and he had Jeff Stelling acrobatically caught by the shy and retiring Mahmood behind the stumps and bowled Shaw to claim a gyration sensation paid for by Spanky.

The innings fizzled out to 157-8, well below par on a decent deck and small fast outfield. To bowl 11 maidens between them showed how hard and well the bowlers worked. Tea was taken in good heart.

Openers Neal and Bolt faced up to Saghir and Andrew "Learner Driving Training Centre, jobs are available" Crawshaw. Any bad balls were dispatched, particularly by Bolt, who looked like he was on the verge of a return to form. You can only imagine what was going on in the party stand by now - vol au vents and turkey twizzlers everywhere - as Bolt tucked in to the bad balls on offer. As with the first innings, no wickets fell before drinks as Neal played second fiddle to Bolt. The pair put on a season's best of 88 before Bolt (58) tried to trample all over Berries and was caught by Kenworthy. This prompted his grandfather to put on his cat burgling gloves and see what treasures the Wes Pavilion might hold, with the Bowling Machine looking favourite to disappear....

Kaye joined Neal briefly before Neal (32) was caught at short mid wicket by Kenworthy off Berries. Dickie Holdsworth came in at four, looking to build on his good knock the week before in the Cup Non-Game. Unfortunately he got a shooter that may have missed leg, but the finger was up (unfortunately, the umpire wasn't called Hugh Jarse) and he was on his way. KP strode out, having checked that there weren't any nasty ladybirds anywhere nearby. Kaye had been hanging around like the bad smell he'd left in the changing rooms earlier and showed some fluency when he took (Henry the) 8 off two balls from the Chef. Amjad wanted to smash every ball out of the ground, but with comments from both fielders and his partner ringing in his ears began to bat properly to help Kaye.

The pair got the target down to 22 before what was left of Kaye's brain melted down and he hit one to point and ran, serving his partner up on a gold platter with all the trimmings and a helping of treacle sponge to the Wes Fielders. Shrinking Violet Mahmood came to the wicket and watched in horror as Kaye (25) had a wild swish and was bowled. The by now nearly catatonic Carrington (after 16 overs, 9 pints, 3 sambucas and a ruby) joined Mahmood, and the pair took the side home without any further alarms, aided by what KP said were the first two sixes of Mahmood's career - yeah, right, KP....

Thus, 5 points were earned with 3 overs to spare, which, as both Heckmondwike and Heckmondwike and Carlinghow lost, propelled the first team to the top of a table since the 18th of September 2005.

This week's questions: Just what did Kaye have to eat on Friday night? Why is KP scared of Ladybirds? Will Ammy ever come out of his shell? Who is Yvonne?

Don't forget the twin attractions of Heckmondwike and Carlinghow are at the Memorial Ground on Saturday, and the event that's taken more organising than Live-Aid, Sport Billy on Sunday - see you there!!